Many people suggested me to read more books, to understand more about doctrines and theologies, so that my understanding about God will increase. Is that so?
Let me tell you my past. I have listened to many doctrines, teachings of men, Since I was a child, I had desire to know about God, deep down in my heart, I wanted to know Him personally. I joined Sunday school, never missed at all, I could remember many verses, etc. The more I grew up, the more I had questions about God while I also developed my logic.
Then I began to feel that I couldn't find any satisfaction by only attending the church. I tell you the truth, I was born again more than 3 times, every time I had retreat program, I must 'give' my life to Jesus. I knew I was a sinner, I wanted to know God, but I can't feel Him. For me, being born again and not born again was the same, I always felt that I need to ask God's forgiveness again and again, because I can't help to stop sinning.
Once in the church, the preacher asked, 'Who among you that believe if we died at that moment, will be in heaven?' Everybody raised their hands, and because of that, I also raised up mine, but deep down in my heart, I believed I was in hell.
I have been baptized with water when I was about 17 years old. I went to cathechism for 6 months, but for me, that looked like just teaching of men, theologies mixed with philosophy and doctrines. My eagerness about God also made me to go from one church to another church, I have been in orthodox church, baptist church, catholic church, I also joined fellowships, just to find God, until I was fed up with God and chose to live my life without something so-called 'God'. Though I believed He exists, but maybe He is not for me. I went into the world to enjoy my life, my mother has given up on me. I was a good boy, my academic was good, my attitude was good, but my spiritual life was dead.
Every Saturday night, I slept late so that on Sunday morning, my parents will find me still sleeping. Even though they tried to wake me up, I always behaved as if I was so tired and deeply slept. But then, when they went to the church, I woke up and usually when everybody went to the church, I played my adult videos collection. I lived in sins .
I kept thinking that God doesn't care about me, why should I care about Him, about sins and hell? Just let it be, I didn't care, hell is ok for me. Nobody can satisfy emptiness in my heart. They can't understand me, I had so many questions about God, about Bible, but nobody can answer me. They just said, God is God, we are only human, we are limited, we can't understand Him, we need to just believe, just follow, just obey are their common answers. Because I can't find the answer from men, I read Christian books and also studied science. For me, science seemed to be more reasonable, and bit by bit, I lost everything about God.
'Christian' books that I read just made me more confused.
- It talked about predestined, which meant I wasn't elected by God, I was made by God to be His object of wrath, to make other people come to Him, but I myself was condemned.
- It talked about One Saved Forever Saved. One reason I fed up with Christianity is that because they believed that no matter how bad their behaviour, Jesus will justify them in the end. They just need to open their mouth and 'believe' in heart that Jesus is Saviour, they will be in heaven. And if they end up in hell, it is God's responsibility. He didn't take care of us. He would be a wicked being if He throw those who 'believe' in Him to hell. Those people made me sick. Their lives was even worse than unbelievers.
- It talked about Purgatory, my good deeds and bad deeds will be weighed down, and I will need some time to be purified before enter heaven. But I don't know how good I must be? And nobody can be sure about it.
- It talked about Law of Moses, Do not touch! Do not taste! Do not handle! It just make me worse. I wonder why believing God seem to be miserable. In heaven, people will always worship God all the day long. If in earth, worshipping God was in vain, how can I survive in heaven? I found no enjoyment in praise and worship Him and because of that, I can't imagine what heaven will look like for me.
- It talked about Love of God, but where is God? I was abandoned by Him, no love at all, If I can't feel His Presence, how can I feel His Love and Mercy?
- The more I read Christian book, the more I believed I wasn't elected and God is a self-righteous Being, crazy-respect Tyrant, He misused His Power. He is not God at all.
- Yes, many doctrines like Calvinism, Judaism, Catholicism almost make me an atheist.
But still, many people tried to convince me that I will be in heaven when I died, even though I personally believe it was not sure. Then my logic started to think, if this guy who sat next to me, who lived a life worse than me was very sure that he will be in heaven, why should I not? I started to create my own imaginary heaven. I tried to be happy, to kill my guilts, I always convince myself that I will be with God in heaven someday.
My friends, hope you didn't misinterprete me, I believed those who spoke like that to me when I was in Indonesia, they didn't have bad intention, they didn't intentionally want to deceive me. It happened because their understand about God was no better than me, even though he was a pastor, preacher, I was not. Both of us were blind, and if blind lead the blind, both will fall into pit.
Then I left Indonesia to pursuit my better future in Germany, without believing God, but still I brought NIV Bible, just in cases I will need it. I thought in this Christian country, I will know God more, but what I felt was even worse. The Christianity is dead, no more fire. I, who refused God was better than most of Germans who didn't believed that there is God.
I became more and more desperate, then I started to open and read my Bible, which I never did when I was in Indonesia. I can't understand my Bible because it seem to me that it has so many contradiction. I was desperate. But then, not so long after that, my classmate came to me, and talked about Jesus. He asked the same question: If I die in the next hour, where will I be? And instead tried to comfort me, he told about heaven and hell, at that time, godly sorrow started to accumulate in my heart. He didn't force me to give my life 'again' to Christ, he just invited me to join his fellowship on the next Sunday. Then at his place, I gave my life to Jesus fully and willingly, no argument to God, I just said to Him, Here I am, do as you will, then, it is not magic, but it is true, I began to feel joy in my heart, my emptiness was filled, I couldn't express it the feeling to you, you need to experience it by yourself. Since that day, I began to see that everything about God seem so real.
God has saved me from my miserable situation. Then I believe more in God when I received Holy Ghost Baptism. Back in my country, Holy Ghost Baptism was taught to happen fully at the same time when we were born again. Yes, for some cases it happen, but most of the case, we need to be sanctified first before Holy Ghost would dwell inside us. How can a sinner who just repent filled with Holy Ghost fully?
During 3.5 years Jesus ministry, He sanctified His disciples, Peter who outspoken, He rebuke, John and James who were self-seeking, wanted to sit next to God, He taught them, Philip who used so much logic, He tested (John 6:6), and Thomas who doubtful, He taught him about faith. In the end, before Jesus was arrested, Jesus said, `You believed at last! (John 16:31) but then they still have to wait for the Holy Spirit to come. They received Holy Ghost Baptism when they waited eagerly on the day of Pentacost.
There was one case where Holy Ghost manifested fully at the same time at born again, on Cornelius. He was righteous man, even before Peter came to him, He need not to be sanctified because he lived righteous, he just need Jesus, that's why even Peter himself was shock. But in many cases, the situations aren't like that, Apollos need to see Paul first before he received Holy Ghost fully, even though he had labored for God before.
I always said fully there, I want to put stress there. It is true that when you are born again, Spirit of God dwell in you, you are already Children of God, you received His Holy Spirit. But it just the beginning, you need to be perfected more in God through sanctification before the Holy Spirit manifest fully inside you.
Maybe you would think I am charismatic. I tell you the truth, I have been in many churches before, and now, I care less about denominations, I just state what written in the Bible, at the moment, I can't speak in tongue, but I desire to have that, I want to be able to speak in that heavenly language. I want to talk with God freely. If I can't have it right now, it doesn't make me less Christian or even worse, lose my salvation, but if I get it, I would rejoice so much. For me, it's not the matter of denomination, but about what Bible says and you can check in your Bible. I talked to you not about doctrines, but about personal experience. I want to share with you so that you can experience it too.
Another teaching who said that being baptism with water, like in Catholic already means salvation, it means we are already baptized in the name of God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. It look like to me that it is having form of godliness, but denying its power (2 Timothy 3:5)
My friends, don't ask me to read more books, more doctrines I had enough living in lies for more than 23 years of my life. I believed in lies. I believed that I was a genuine born again Christian, which in fact, I was not. I still served 2 Masters, continued sinning, wearing mask in front of all people. I was like whitewashed tomb, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean. If you judged me only by my apperance, you will be deceived.
John 7:24
Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.
I was even deceived by my own heart, my own mind. I lived in my imaginary heaven, heaven that never exist. Praise God because of His mercy now I can see clearly, how foolish I was.
Jeremiah 17:9
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?
That kind of book, that kind of teaching will only make people who even don't know about God more confuse. There is no practical in it. I now understand why Jesus always talked in parables, because He taught practical thing not theoretical. And because our eyes were calloused, we will never be able to understand the Gospel.
Your doctrines, teaching are too complicated for my little brain. I want to say sorry first to those who studied about God in the University, got degree in Theology. Though I do believe that God can use many methods to bring us to Him, but for me, because of my experience, reading Bible is practical, not theoretical. You can't grade it into points, into exams. Bible is not textbook, Bible is not philosophy, If you answered only half correct during your exams test which mean you only understand half-truth, you will get C or B, you still passed. But you passed with your half truth, Bible never said about it. Bible said that Gospel we preach is Yes and Amen (2 Cor 1:18). Then you can imagine if you accumulated those half-truth for 4 years until you become saturated in it.
My friends, please imagine when you start to preach to people with these half truths. Or imagine, if this is the kind of person who speak in front of you and preach about Word of God to you every Sunday fellowship. You will only listen to his half-truth. This kind of situation that made Christianity in Germany dead.
My friends, you should know that devil also can use that kind of institution to mislead people. He planted some wrong doctrines, so that you who were simple minded, who just want to start relationship with God, will never realized. Or even though you personally believed that kind of teaching was wrong, but you must answer according to their teaching, otherwise your grade will be so bad, or you could even be dropped out. Then, slowly but sure, you will be brainwashed by that institution. Again, I didn't condemn those who learn theology. But please, always test the spirits, let the Holy Spirit alone who teach you, because the Holy Spirit inside you will teach you personally, you do not need anyone to teach you. Bible explains Bible. You can find your answer in the Bible, and if there are some verse who contradict each other, don't be ignorant, maybe your belief all this time was wrong. God can't contradict Himself. So something wrong must be in your wisdom.
1 John 2:27
The anointing you received from him abides in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. Instead, because his anointing teaches you about everything and is true and not a lie, abide in him, as he taught you to do
My friends, Actually I like to read christian books. But the books I read now are the books about Men of God, Men who changed the World. About Revival, about Labor for God, and the book I enjoy the most to read is my HOLY BIBLE.
God bless you
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